Archive | June, 2014

Its my Life – I choose Sanity and Happiness

3 Jun

friends I still remember that morning – it seemed like any other morning except for that one phone call that changed the  tenor of the day .

There I was, once again, explaining; justifying;  and trying to calm her down whilst  making a weak attempt  to  put forth my point.

Like always I let the drama go on , feeling  exhausted and angry both  at the same time.  This wasn’t  a new thing ` we had argued in the past , I had felt resentful , not spoken to her for a few days  but eventually thought of  all the fun things we did together , dismissed the outbursts as a bad mood  and picked up the phone to tell her about a new book I had just read

This time as I held the receiver in my hands my eyes welled up with tears coz I knew this was the last time I would  hear her voice .

I was breaking free, I didn’t deserve the chaos that came with this friendship.  The need to protect my self esteem  was definitely more than the need to preserve this relationship.  I knew there would be no more coffees or walks or hanging out with her anymore.

Maybe she has issues she hasn’t come to terms with , maybe she isn’t emotionally many maybe’s…, So then should I  stay and try to help her realize the negativity  she is creating for herself and those around her?  Should I abandon her ?…..My mind sways  back and forth .  I knew the most logical thing to do was to distance myself from her . I knew I could not help her get to that “Aa-ha “ moment  where she would  realize  the harm she has been  causing. That realization had to come from within her.

Why did It take me so long to come to this  decision ? Was it coz we had known each other for a little close to two decades ? Or because we had  been a  been  a part of each others world ? Was it  because I knew this friendship was her anchor? or  Didn’t i have the courage to tell her how I felt about the way she treats me?

I must admit that there was a lot about her that I marveled at . I admired her ability to juggle so many things and yet seem to be in control for most of the time.  She sure was smart and competent..                                                                                                             On one hand she was helpful and  and did a lot of hand holding on days when skies were grey; but on the other hand  she was  cruel in her criticism and dismissed everything I had to say.                                                                                                                           My compassion, attentiveness, patience didn’t stand a chance.  Most of the time I found myself trying to quiet her down buying ease for a while,

Munch Munch Munch   ……she would  eat through my dignity , my time and my sanity with her constant complaints , selfishness and negativity .

And  as I held the receiver in my hand that morning  I told myself I wouldn’t let her  rob me of my energy  and enthusiasm.  I need to let her out of my life so that I could lead a fuller life.   Yes I would miss the fun  we  shared but that fun came with trappings I wasn’t prepared to live with.  Being around her was like  sitting beside a garbage bin – I had to relocate .

As I write this I genuinely want her to be happy and have friends who love her and  are better equipped to handle what I hadn’t been able to adjust with.  As for me- I do miss a lot about her but definitely  don’t miss the friendship  . Don’t miss that friendship at all !!