When Love goes wrong

12 May

How did it begin – that gentle persistent feeling, that feeling of connect . Everything seemed so fresh and new. There was so much to talk and look forward to. A gentle breeze that brought with it the right mix of comfort and passion.

When did a love like that -I thought was never ending,  breathe its last ?

When did it morph to Sympathy and Care?

Did it evaporate suddenly or didn’t I see the signs?

. I planned to love forever ….why did you change your mind.

There I was , happy go lucky whispering sweet nothings over the telephone phone and exchanging amorous messages and then all of a sudden like a bolt from the blue –I saw it. Like a bad dream i wake up screaming from my insides.

Loss …yeah there was loss – companionship, affection, trust , self respect , self –esteem and so much more.A betrayal of who I thought I was.

All of it and yet…………. I don’t walk away .

Love isn’t meant to be painful so why am I willing to keep hurting ??

What makes me stay – A hope, A tiny ray of hope- A kind of delusional hope that he will love me the way I love him.

Yet deep within me, sometimes lifting its ugly head is Fear.

 A gnawing fear that I will never be his entire world.

Fear and Love don’t occupy the same space. Where one exists , the other is non existent.

So where does that leave me – Do I stay  willing to be re-traumatized again and again Or walk away into an abyss of nothingness filled with remorse and self doubt

Is there another way – A way by which I take time out to put together this broken Me, A time of self-reflection . A time for renewal to be the person I was meant to be – Complete and happy.

Although from where I stand this seems like an uphill battle but something inside of me tells me I will create for myself a happier empowered existence.  Carrying with me the beautiful  and leaving behind the chaff.

That I’m certain is my preferred position than the one I’m in right now – broken and pining for the man who isn’t right for me anyways !

 

 

 

 

 

 

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