Archive | May, 2014

Silent Moments – Sanctuary for my soul

22 May

 

Some days are filled with overwhelming moments –

An unforeseen argument or disagreement with a close friend

 A misunderstanding that raises its ugly head at the wrong time

Unhelpful thoughts that I can’t seem to shake off

Too many chores to run and too little time

A nagging anxiety whether I can make it through the complexities of the day

It’s during these moments that I could do with a little tranquility, my own little acre of harmony. 

The ability to be calm regardless of the chaos outside I thought was reserved for monks ….until I stumbled upon this quote –

Smile ,Breathe and Go slowly [Thich Nhat Hanh] .   So that it gets personal for me I added the words                                            … And  Let Go .

When on days I feel like a badly wrapped up parcel with a zillion spiraling thoughts that stop me from moving on-  

 I STOP,   STOP everything and Breathe slowly till I put things in a kind of perspective.

 From here on I sometimes decide to curl in between silken sheets or hit the road for a lonnng walk depending on the time of the day.  These are my sanity breaks –Rejuvenation that gives me the energy to face the trenches ahead.

And then I put myself unreservedly into the hands of my creator where, I know ‘everything’s going to be alright’ .  

 There ….am already feeling the drops of tranquility permeate into me.

Turning down the volume dial of daily life,   I focus on the things that calm my mind –

Walking  through the woods . giant trees on both sides of the road, the air filled with  endless sounds of birds   or …………

 Watching the vast ocean –Blue, home to so many creatures and yet so peaceful ; or………………

Lying on my back watching the sky  who like me has so many phases- the  wide pathway she makes for the  soft clouds as they glide  by during the day; the golden glow of hope she emits at dawn and dusk ; the  fear and mystery she seduces us with  at night sprinkled with  a million shining stars . All different from each other yet all in perfect harmony with each other.  

Here happiness seemed so easy to touch- that’s why it’s here I want to be on days when there is a heavy downpour.

Its here where a fragrant calm brushes her soft lips against the cool breeze from my inner world

 

When Love goes wrong

12 May

How did it begin – that gentle persistent feeling, that feeling of connect . Everything seemed so fresh and new. There was so much to talk and look forward to. A gentle breeze that brought with it the right mix of comfort and passion.

When did a love like that -I thought was never ending,  breathe its last ?

When did it morph to Sympathy and Care?

Did it evaporate suddenly or didn’t I see the signs?

. I planned to love forever ….why did you change your mind.

There I was , happy go lucky whispering sweet nothings over the telephone phone and exchanging amorous messages and then all of a sudden like a bolt from the blue –I saw it. Like a bad dream i wake up screaming from my insides.

Loss …yeah there was loss – companionship, affection, trust , self respect , self –esteem and so much more.A betrayal of who I thought I was.

All of it and yet…………. I don’t walk away .

Love isn’t meant to be painful so why am I willing to keep hurting ??

What makes me stay – A hope, A tiny ray of hope- A kind of delusional hope that he will love me the way I love him.

Yet deep within me, sometimes lifting its ugly head is Fear.

 A gnawing fear that I will never be his entire world.

Fear and Love don’t occupy the same space. Where one exists , the other is non existent.

So where does that leave me – Do I stay  willing to be re-traumatized again and again Or walk away into an abyss of nothingness filled with remorse and self doubt

Is there another way – A way by which I take time out to put together this broken Me, A time of self-reflection . A time for renewal to be the person I was meant to be – Complete and happy.

Although from where I stand this seems like an uphill battle but something inside of me tells me I will create for myself a happier empowered existence.  Carrying with me the beautiful  and leaving behind the chaff.

That I’m certain is my preferred position than the one I’m in right now – broken and pining for the man who isn’t right for me anyways !