Archive | December, 2013

The young lady sitting beside me

15 Dec

Watching her walk out of the terminal made my heart swell with tenderness as I wave to catch her attention. My baby …all grown up. I rush to give her a hug while she gingerly puts her arms around me for a fleeting moment. I love these moments – grateful for these times when she will still hug me, for most of the times she finds my display of affection pretty embarrassing. The moment doesn’t last too long and she ushers me into the car impatiently.

As I look at her …..it seems like  yesterday when she announced her loud and arduous entry into my world.

From the moment I laid my eyes on her , touched her soft hair and watched her look at me with her brows knit together …I knew I was captured and held hostage in the purest of love only a mother can feel. Until then I didn’t know I had so much of love inside of me ….there she was my bundle of joy …wrapped up in a little  white blanket…my heart – lying outside of me

I remember just before her first birthday when she had this rare eye infection. I feared the worst because she was so unwell. I have never felt so powerless like I did those two weeks. Just watching her hobble through the hospital corridor in an over sized nightie refusing to let her bandaged eye slow her down convinced me that my lil princess was here to make it against all odds.

Living with her has always been a delightful torture.  With her sparkling eyes, headstrong ways and not to mention “the rolling eyes” It definitely took plenty of good humor, nerves of steel and a hide of a rhino to tread through those adolescent years. Even through moments of exasperation I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that my difficult teenager will grow into a charming, sweet natured young lady.

And finally the day came …when she left for one of life’s greatest adventures…..University.

It was a bittersweet moment – As much as I was proud of her achievements I was scared, concerned about how she would manage this change. It was a new kind of life for me …away from her.

Back home it was  an empty feeling – the baby you cared for , worried about , nagged and nurtured is now so far away with the phone as the only line of communication. Each time I saw a mum with her child ….it was so hard to keep the tears from falling. On some days there is a noticeable ache deep inside my heart- A feeling of something missing. She filled my days- entertaining and exasperating me; Life seemed structured with her around

 Why do I feel like this ?  Didn’t I wait 18 years for this day ? Wasn’t it me who told her how important it was to be independent ?

 I needed time to sort my thoughts. Each time I felt the wave of nostalgia pass right over me I took solace the fact that there would be so many more miracles in her life that I’d need to brace myself for; and watching her grow into a mature adult was such a refreshing thought

So although I miss her daily presence in my life, I pray that she may be surrounded by good people and want her to know that I  although I  miss her like crazy, I will always be near whenever she may need me.

As I look at the young lady sitting beside me I am thankful for this beautiful gift I have. I am giddy with excitement thinking of the days I will be spending with her. My baby has grown up – different from the child who I dropped to University; but then havn’t I also changed….. I have moved closer to reinventing my life; understanding and being comfortable with my needs.

I will always be Sanju’s mom,  perhaps sometimes she will still need a bit of mothering and while she grows up I am also stepping back into a world from where I can evolve and explore possibilities that seemed so distant a little while ago

 

 

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Do I need that Tag ?

4 Dec

Your being stuck in a situation where there seems no way out- Is that Good or Bad?

Your near and dear disowning you when you are in the pits – is that Good or Bad?

How do we decide and label “Good” and “Bad” ?

Is there a ‘ Good ‘ or ‘Bad’ or is Life… just as it is ?

Surely one needs to categorize things, else what happens to ones moral compass

Isnt this labelling important while dealing with the various facets of life namely career, relationships, life?

Why do I put so much emphasis on this categorization?

What  gratifies me and supports my view gets the “Good” label ;  while what frustrates me gets the “Bad” label.

Why do i believe that life needs to have a predictable sequence and if it didn’t i would get angry; hurt  and go all out to correct it?

Analyzing and labeling  the situation again and again only froze my brain till i was overwhelmed by the chaos in my life.

The more I was reluctant to embrace the fluid nature of life .the more I was paralyzed

Till one fine morning I slowly shook away my blues and began to embrace my chaos. It was then that I saw life in a new light..

“Good ‘ and “Bad” are both tentative and to liberate ourselves from these shackles we need to remind ourselves of the impermanence of these words.

The discomfort from the decisions, events and circumstances in my  world many a time   became a motivation for me to move to a better tomorrow. So then the “Bad ” label would no longer be appropriate…would it ?

As I look back i can see that many of the “Bad” things from years ago that have now become some of the greatest blessings in my life.

Today life is Implausible  and Unpredictable- The Good , Bad, Ugly all rolled up into one  incredibly short experience.

Getting rid of the pigeonholes has made life more Interesting , Genuine and Wonderful !