Archive | July, 2013

All that matters is ……..

25 Jul

Sitting on the verandah I watched my grand mom as she went about her daily chores.

Her face had a glow of contentment and a child like enthusiasm sparkled in her eyes.  “Can’t say I know what tomorrow holds for me’ she would say ‘and so I do my best today’ she added.

Years have gone by during which I have striven to uphold her maxim of doing the seemingly small things well and that has kept me prepared for all the uncertainty that each day brings.

I don’t wake up each morning and slay the  monsters that  sometimes hover around, I just do my best although at times  my best isn’t really enough  to go through each days travails.

Many a time i completely goof up- but life goes on and I put myself back there ,trying once more; not scared to fall.

A gratitude journal and photographs of my loved ones keep my spirits  uplifted at all times and  on days that are long, an invigorating bubble bath gives me a renewed connection with myself and am back doing my best in the best way I know ……and to me this is all that matters

I Can’t do it all..You Can’t do it all either

21 Jul

Is anything bothering you?’ I asked as I saw her trying her best to appear calm while all along she was as jumpy as a March Hare.

‘Strong Susan’ we called her. My best friend- always ready to offer advice, lend a helping hand and always spurned a helping hand.  She never ever asked for help – in fact she felt pretty offended if any of us even remotely suggested any kind of assistance.

 “Crutches “she called them. “I don’t need any; I can manage on my own” she would belligerently insist.  “Asking for help makes you look weak “

Looking at her I saw a different emotion in her eyes – Fear.

Fear!!! And strong Susan……what was she afraid of I wondered.

 Afraid that people would judge her or see her as incompetent?

  Afraid that she might come across as unsuccessful and weak?  

Afraid that if others know about her personal matters – she would be known as someone who cannot manage her life?

Afraid that she’d be bothering others with her problems?

Afraid that asking for help will make her less of a “giver” that she is?

This kind of fear is destructive – holds people back , creates a kind of stress that tips ones physical and emotional scales.

As for my part I live on these ‘Crutches’.  It makes my load lighter.

Whether I am begging for divine intervention  or enlisting a friend to help me with understanding how to use the ATM or asking a friend to get me my medication , I pretty much walk around hollering “Help wanted”.

Yes its scary at times, I do  get hurt sometimes and people occasionally  have opinions and reactions to what you ask or how you ask- but I have given myself the permission and remind myself that it’s not just  OK but also essential to request support

Asking for help is empowering, helps me connect with people. It frees me from being a giver all the time to also being comfortable in receiving help. Real strength I am convinced lies in being aware of your strengths and weaknesses and the ability to ask for assistance when you need it.

To me struggling alone is a choice to grow weak.

As Lena Horne says – It’s not the load that worries you, it’s the way you carry it.  I have my network of support who have repeatedly confirmed to me the fact that when in need – ASK.   No one is going to waltz into your mind and understand your predicament and offer to help.

I am not one that wants to be the ‘purrrrfect’ lady that magazines and advertisements peddle.  I believe that – When the going gets tough-the tough ask for help!!!

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Moving on

13 Jul

 

Looking at the mirror I see myself as I am – vulnerable yet wanting to move on.

It was time to turn the page, letting go of all those things that weighed me down- the fear , the pain , the anger all yesterdays demons .

There’s a point till where a human heart can grieve and when you reach that point –bingo …you snap, and prepare to drive off, turn course to the place you are  supposed to be – wherever that may be.

All this while I was holding on  to something , someone with the fear of never being able to replace them, but now as I walk down the street looking at all the yellow leaves blowing in the wind, I stop to look at the trees. They still stand tall with new bright green leaves. That’s how life is – continuously renewing itself.

Letting go of the shackles that bind my feet making it heavy and difficult to walk, I rise , ceasing to mourn that could never be –making room for new happiness. I can’t give in to the  “what ifs” and the “what could have been’s”-  these only make the journey difficult.

Can’t say I enjoyed the way life effortlessly but forcibly made me swerve course without warning.  There is nothing left to hold on to anymore. Nothing lasts forever. At some point to counter the pain I began to make a list of the things that sustain me. At the other end of the room the  clock kept ticking , a gentle reminder that the only way to move is ’Forward’  to a  new life that beckons me.

So here I am enjoying the sunset of the situation and looking forward to a new sunrise