Wounds that never heal

25 May

 

Standing by my window I stare into the darkness- this world so full of people and yet my eyes can’t find the person I am looking for. The darkness in my soul seems to stretch for an eternity.

Its late, when will you get back home?

I have been waiting…….seasons come and seasons go and yet there is no sign of you. Where are you ? Don’t you know I worry for you…….long to hear that familiar double bell .

Are you waiting for me somewhere??? Or…. have you simply ……gone …..left…….

Are you waiting for me to join you or you don’t remember any of us anymore?

If  Life  is a gift then why did you leave it and go, abandoning me?  I feel like a survivor in a bomb blast – dazed and disoriented.

Do you feel the pain of this sudden disconnect from all of us?

Do you also feel lost and lonely and bereft like me?

I always thought we were two people on a journey together……..but were we on separate journeys?

As I close my eyes, I feel your embrace, your touch, your laughter……..i know they will disappear as soon as I open my eyes. And so I’ll keep them shut a little longer.

Grief never goes away ….. Embers still smolder inside of me only to flare into life the moment something reminds me of you

I feel alone and unsafe without you…………I need you to be here. How will I get on without you?

What about those dreams we saw together?  You brought out the best in me; you were someone I could always count on …..And that was comfort. A comfort I took for granted ; one that I thought would always be there, until one morning when you left ….suddenly without a word…. leaving me shivering in shock and disbelief.

In a moment everything was gone – my husband , my life ……..How do I wrap my mind around this or learn to comprehend this?  Life has a funny way of hitting you in the head when you aren’t even prepared for it….I was now a widow. I didn’t know how to be a widow and I didn’t want to learn but life did not care to check with me before thrusting it upon me.

Its been five years…..the waves of pain still lash against my face,whipping bruising and  leaving me in  deep sadness…..A bottomless endless pit of sadness that keeps me connected to you

As I stand alone in this darkness I realize that I still haven’t figured out a way to get on with this business of living without you……I don’t know if I ever will

 

 

 

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