Archive | April, 2013

Say Hello to life

30 Apr

Another evening, back from work , I sit on my table wondering  where everyone has gone. That’s when I see the familiar green light flickering on my phone.

I didn’t  need to look , I knew who it was……it had been there yesterday and the day before and the day before that. Pretty persistent I must say. That little yellow envelope. I ignored it the first time …..but curiosity got the better of me and i clicked on the yellow envelope to read …..

Hello Anu,

You have an appointment

Sincerely

Life

I dialed the number listed on the note – the voice on the other end sounded pretty ordinary , don’t think I was prepared for this.

“ I’ve been looking forward to your call , how about Shoppers Stop at 12 pm”

A  Shopping Mall  !!!!      Seriously !    Is that where I meet my life???   Now this wasn’t sounding very good but the voice on the other end had this mysterious drawl that made me agree right away. The weekend wasn’t particularly relaxing , thoughts loomed over me like that giant gorilla over that building in the film King Kong.

I thought of  what I’d tell my life – that I was a smart , intelligent , witty woman . I wanted my life to know that my world didn’t need any help , I was doing good ! Was I scared ?  No ways !

Adjusting my posture I walked towards the entrance.

There he stood – black shirt with tan coloured trousers. His hair  generously peppered with grey was disheveled. Sunglasses covered his eyes so I wasn’t sure he was looking at me. A French beard …..i always liked French beards.

Not Bad ………..i thought .

“Are you…? I did a lil playful smiley thing.  Over enthusiastically I moved towards the nearby  cafe,  sat down and called to him . He seemed nervous…..That’s strange I thought.

It was a bit of an awkward moment. He sat down, removed his sunglasses and smiled.

It was almost impossible not to return that smile ,the way his eyes crinkled made me think of the quote –

……..His smile is rest to the weary , daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad and Natures best antidote for trouble.

We spoke n spoke of many things …….i don’t quite remember what.   All the phrases I thought i’d  say to him quickly flew out of my head in an obvious act of sabotage.

“ I have to go “ he said.  I didn’t know what to say to him for a very long time. I wanted to disagree, but I wasn’t sure so I didn’t say anything.   We walked out silently.

“Are you the one “ I asked….

He held my hand …”I am here, I’m the other part of you. Our lives all crash and collide…there is a point to it all. Our lives were synchronized……”

I looked away, not wanting him to pick up on my confused feelings.

And then in a flash my mind came alive as though it had been dormant for a while and  there was an explosion of feelings.

My path was no longer a solitary one without companionship and support but instead a path of unity that would offer me fulfillment time and again.

The Greeks call this “Moira” or Fate

Moira chooses the lucky ones – The ones who are offered the opportunity for loving friendships

I knew that as long as I was around, my life would be too.

He would be there rooting for me, cheering me when I feel I can’t go on……..until those final moments when we will look at each other and say “Thanks for staying until the end”

Feeling Alive

6 Apr

Day after day …..streets are crowded with people rushing about their daily chores….being alive , staying alive , feeling alive .

Looking at their faces I wonder- how do they “live”?

Do they gallop through their days , do they trot at an easy pace , do they amble through life stopping by to examine their fears ?

Are their hearts open to being wounded?

Would they be able to be okay being imperfect  or treat themselves kindly if they weren’t  good enough ?

Do they feel comfortable to speak about things they are afraid of ; willing to put themselves in a position where they could be hurt ?

Do they live their lives whole heartedly?

So what is this thing that makes us feel alive , makes us feel we belong?  After all isn’t that what we all want – the feeling of belongingness.

The feeling of something being out there that I cant lay a hand on is pretty disconcerting and uncomfortable ….And that’s when I realized that I don’t need to have all the answers or always be perfect.

I suppose being alive would  also mean feeling Fear , Pain , grief , Betrayal -What happens to all these  emotions   –  do I try to deaden them or do I embrace them as a part of me and experience them fully and completely ?

Can I deaden emotions selectively? If I were to repress the painful emotions would I then be able to experience the joy and love that comes with being alive?

Do I believe that I am worthy of  being loved?  Am I kind to myself?  Am I comfortable being who I am or always trying to be who I think I should be?

Do I have the courage to feel adequate with  my  flaws  ?

I think I’ve found the answer.   Its what Madeline L’Engle says – To be alive is to be vulnerable.

Its  to be authentic and real

To open my heart to love and joy and gratitude is to be truly alive.

To believe that  “I am and I feel complete” makes me feel worthy of connection ….and when I feel connected …..I feel ALIVE